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Your Ex Is Getting Remarried, Now What?
There are many reasons why it may be difficult for you to see your former spouse on the verge of getting remarried. Some, of course, may be mostly nostalgic—a longing for the "good old days" when you were blissfully happy together. Others may be based on jealousy, if you are being honest with yourself. Your ex has found someone that is not you, and no matter what occurred between the two of you, being replaced hurts. Finally, there may be more practical concerns for you regarding the upcoming nuptials of your ex-spouse, especially if you have children.
No Right or Wrong Answers
The most important thing for you to remember as you think about the impact of your ex’s remarriage on your children and parenting arrangements is that there is no manual for dealing with the issues. Changes are almost certain but they do not need to be seen as negative. As long as you and the other parent can communicate and cooperate, you can continue to provide for your child’s best interests, allowing him or her to benefit from the addition of a stepparent. You will need to find a solution or approach that meets the unique needs of your family, allowing all parties to remain involved as a valuable component of the process.
Securing Your Rights Begins with Establishing Paternity
When you are not married to the mother of your child, it may be very difficult for you to exercise your rights as a father. In fact, if you have not established legal paternity, you may not even have any such rights under the law. Your relationship with your child is extremely important, but may be non-existent unless you take action, which begins with establishing paternity.
How Paternity May Be Established
Thanks to the newly enacted Illinois Parentage Act of 2015, you are presumed to be the father of a child if you are or were married to the child’s mother when the child was born or got married after the birth and you are listed as the father on the birth certificate. If the child was born within 300 days of your divorce, you would also be the presumed father. Assuming the presumption of your parentage is not rebutted, you would be considered your child’s legal father, with all of the accompanying rights and responsibilities.
Illinois Appeals Court Upholds Denial of Pet Visitation
There is little question that family pets have a special place in the hearts of many people. In fact, as many as two-thirds of all American households own at least one dog or cat. Owning a pet, of course, can be very beneficial to both the family and the animal, but what happens in the event of divorce? Does either party have presumed rights to keep the animals or to visitation? In the state of Illinois, the answer is rather unclear as a matter of law, and recent appellate court decision has not really helped to clarify the law’s intent.
Children and Property
According to the Illinois Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act, considerations in a divorce must be made for a couple’s children and the disposition of property. These, obviously, are very reasonable, but, for many families, pets seem to fall somewhere in between. Dogs and cats may not be as important as children–although to couples without children they may be—but they are certainly more valuable than a piece of furniture or artwork. Without statutory guidance, each case must be considered individually.
Effective Co-Parenting Requires Dedication and Cooperation
If you are a parent, the decision to divorce your spouse or to break up with your child’s other parent will have an effect on more than just the two of you. Your children and the stability of their lives are also likely to be greatly impacted. While things may never be the same for your children as they were during your marriage, it does not mean things will necessarily be worse, just different. As you and the other parent look toward the future, there are some things you can do to help build a positive foundation for co-parenting together for years to come.
Find Common Ground
Every element of effective co-parenting is dependent upon your ability to communicate with your child’s other parent, despite the issues that may have driven you apart. More than likely, the two of you still have a great deal in common, and, at the very least, you both want what is best for your child. Using that as a basis, begin developing a parenting plan around the elements upon which you can agree, including who will be responsible for the majority of the parenting time, which school your child will attend and other fairly straightforward considerations.
Differences Between Guardianship and Adoption in Illinois
While most people are familiar with the concept of adoption, many may realize that there are alternatives to adoption that can grant an individual certain authority over a child’s life. In Illinois, as well as other jurisdictions, it is possible to seek legal guardianship of a minor child. Guardianship, in many ways, is quite similar to adoption but is quite different in others. If you are looking to provide a loving home to a child in need, understanding the differences between the two can help you make the best choice for your specific situation.
Many Similarities
Guardianship of child grants you the legal authority to act as the child’s parent in virtually all areas of the child’s life. You become responsible for tending to the child’s day-to-day needs, as well as making medical, educational, and other decisions regarding the child. An adoption would provide you with all of the same authority and responsibilities regarding the child. Both adoptions and guardianships in Illinois will only be granted if the child’s birth parents consent to the arrangement, have been found to be unsuited for providing such care for the child themselves, have passed away, or cannot be located.
Grandparents and Visitation in Illinois
As you raised your own children, you probably looked forward to someday becoming a grandparent. Children often treasure the relationships with their grandparents—as you most likely remember from your childhood—and there is nothing quite like time with a grandchild to brighten a grandparent’s day. Unfortunately, many family situations deteriorate so badly that grandparents are unable to continue the relationships with their grandchildren that they so greatly value. The law in Illinois, however, does provide grandparents in certain situations with at least a glimmer of hope.
Presumed Best Interest of the Child
If you, as a grandparent, are being denied access to your grandchild by your child or the other parent, the law begins with the presumption that the child’s parents have made such a decision in the child’s best interests. A parent has the right to choose who should and should not be in regular contact with his or her child, as long as such decisions are reasonable and are not causing harm to the child. If the child is being negatively affected by the lack of a relationship with you, you may be able to convince a court to grant you visitation privileges.
I Changed My Mind; Can a Finalized Divorce Be Vacated?
You can probably recall several examples in your own life where you thought that you were making the right decision, only to realize later that your choice was misguided, and maybe even completely wrong. It is very possible that you have made such decisions about relationships in the past, deciding to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, then realizing that you were actually much happier with him or her than without. What happens, though, when the relationship is a marriage, and you get all the way through the process of divorce before coming to the conclusion that the whole thing was a terrible mistake? Can you attempt to have your finalized divorce judgment vacated?
The short answer is that you can try, but if a change of heart is your only reason for setting the judgment aside, you will probably not have much luck. A divorce judgment is essentially a type of verdict in a civil court proceeding, meaning that it must take into account all of the relevant information available at the time the of proceedings. Your petition for divorce or your response to your former spouse’s petition indicated your wishes to end the marriage, providing the court the authority to grant your request, presuming the associated concerns have been properly addressed. Once the proceedings have concluded and the judgment is entered, it is too late to change your mind.
Limiting Spousal Maintenance Could Be Ultimately Beneficial for Women
Over the last several years, Illinois has been one of several states to review and update laws regarding spousal maintenance, or alimony as it is often known. In this state specifically, maintenance is to be awarded only when needed and justified by the circumstances of an individual divorce and is never presumed to be automatic. While the application of the law is up to each judge to apply his or her own standard of need to a case, the intended effect is to reserve such awards for only the most appropriate situations. Placing limits on spousal maintenance may create some difficulties for those who are recently divorced, but some experts are suggesting that these same limits may lead to overall positive changes in the way that women approach finances in both marriage and divorce.
Shift in Thinking
The law regarding spousal maintenance is technically gender-neutral, and there are cases in which men receive support from their ex-wives following a divorce. The reality is—as most people assume—that the vast majority of maintenance recipients are women, as alimony laws were generally intended to support women with financial disadvantages. Today, however, society, as a whole, is geared toward encouraging women to be professionally, personally, and financially independent. Reliance on spousal maintenance as an institution stands in direct opposition to these ideals.
New App to Help Parents With Child Support, Sharing Expenses
As technology continues to impact more and more aspects of daily living, it is hardly surprising that digital connectivity can now help facilitate financial discussions and even transactions between divorced parents. A new smartphone app called SupportPay is trying to the change the way that co-parents communicate about child support and sharing expenses, and developers hope that those use it can reduce uncertainty and prevent unnecessary hostility.
Basic Child Support
The law in Illinois typically requires a supporting parent to pay a percentage of his or her income to the other parent to assist with the child’s most basic needs. While many parents make child support payments via payroll deduction, others make monthly or biweekly payments on their own. SupportPay allows parents to make and manage their required payments through PayPal.
Domestic Abuse Hurts Men Too
You can probably name at least one, if not more than one, male friend or acquaintance that has been the victim of emotional abuse by his spouse or romantic partner. If not, you have been probably witnessed such abuse in a public or social setting: a man and his partner are out together, but the conversation is very one-sided. His girlfriend or wife makes derogatory or snide comments about his clothes, behavior, or choices. As the night goes on, the situation gets worse, with the woman blatantly scolding him, as he endures it silently.
While there is no question that male-against-female abuse is a scourge on today’s society, many have become conditioned to ignore such behavior in reverse. Of course, part of the problem is the militant, often misogynistic, "men’s rights" groups whose awareness efforts can be little more than thinly-veiled attacks on women. However, the reality is that men can most definitely be victims of domestic abuse, including physical violence and mental or emotional attacks.
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